I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
