I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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