I wannas sexs uuuuu
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
