Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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