when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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