Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
