hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
