i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
