I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
