Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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