franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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