Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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