Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
there is glitter all over my balls
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