I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
