Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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