It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We have so much sex to catch up on
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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