ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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