doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
