you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
