I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
