whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
