I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
