He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
