meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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