I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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