I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
