did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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