so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize