I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
