i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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