can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize