The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
