Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
