i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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