ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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