genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He called his prostate his "boner button".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
