Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
