all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
