Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
