My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
