shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize