My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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