He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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