If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
