There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize