He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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