So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
