There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
