The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
