I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Blood and glitter go together right?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize