hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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