her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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