Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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