i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
