my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
